I will love you til the end There's no need to pretend That you are the one Who has sailed my heart To the ocean blue I hoped it would be you. When I'm dead and gone In you, I will live on Cause you've captured me And so I am released To the ocean blue I hoped it would be you. To the ocean blue I hoped it would be you. Now this chapter is closed So the story goes But I have more to say I'll see you there one day. On the ocean blue, I knew it would be you. On the ocean blue, I knew it would be you. Every time I hear this song by The Autumn Film, I am reminded again and again of how my heart is aching to be sought after into that deep ocean blue.

plan on sleeping in

After staying up til 2 blogging, I attempted to set my alarm for 630 to get up and go on a bike ride... that didn't happen. I slept til 11 and now I'm nervous I'll get blistered by the sun, along with severe dehydration. Today I'll stay inside to drink a Cortado at my favorite coffee shop in the city while I write and read and contemplate what I might go home and make today for a meal this late afternoon. The good news is that I go on the scale this morning and weighed in at 148.0. I don't plan on weighing in everyday, but this morning I wanted a better gauge after my frustrations from last night. Daily pleasure today: Cortado to cut The Cortado is the greatest coffee drink, to be enjoyed on the palate slowly and with a certain degree of sophistication without the frivolity of a "small soy cappuccino, extra hot...blah blah blah." A good barista can make a great Cortado. 1:1 ratio of milk and espresso, little foam, and delectable flavor. I'm thankful for my baristas who have come to know me at Oak Lawn and can look at me when I walk in and know what drink I'm in the mood for (or one can dream that this is the case), if it were I might propose to one of the baristas here if they knew what I was thinking at a moment's glance. Wouldn't that take away some of the greatest struggles of modern day relationships. I woke up slowly this morning and boy was I hungry. And I don't know why since we ate a little later of a dinner last night. But I avoided the temptation to run downstairs and make something really quickly, but I drank the water by my bedside and got in the shower. I spent a little time getting ready and went downstairs to make breakfast before leaving. I made two eggs, scrambled. A little butter in the pan and salt and pepper to taste. And it was enough. Satisfying and then it was time to go for the day. Today I'm going to go home and make the delicious Green Lemonade. Then have the Power Soup: 1 cup organic alfalfa sprouts 3 cups fresh strawberries 3 tablespoons raw honey Stevia 1 large head Romaine lettuce 1/4 medium beet Raw Neutral Natural Pesto: 3 cups whole fresh basil 2 cloves garlic 5 teaspoons olive oil 1 teaspoon Celtic sea salt 1 large zucchini 2 Roma tomatoes chopped Blend basil, garlic, olive oil, and sea salt in a food processor. Turn zucchini into pasta with a fine julienne. Serve pesto sauce over the zucchini pasta. Garnish with chopped tomatoes. Can have Raw Bread (I'm choosing Ezekial bread, although not Raw, is easily digested and is a quick exit food) with extra pesto. This was a weird meal...i don't know what to say about this... rode 18 miles today at WRL.

Keeping New Hungers Satisfied

Writing. It's been my sacred joy. I sit and look at all my journals from middle school til now. The handwriting has changed, the subjects, the prayers, the petitions, the regrets, the doubts, and the victories, but through it all as I look back, I'm the most changed. Challenges that haunted me years ago are still struggles, but with a different face and those victories still bring a smile to my face. The verses and the quotes remind me of seasons of my life that I promise myself to not forget. What I realize most is that my greatest struggle is being comfortable in my skin when I'm with people and when I'm not. I struggle with food. It's my greatest enemy, my nourishment, my "have to," sometimes an enjoyment, other times an indulge leaving me with both feelings of guilt and more often physical problems. As I've looked back, had conversations with several friends, strangers, massage therapists, physicians and other nurses, I realize that this is a battle that many people struggle with, but I find myself being secretive with the struggle and not knowing how to work well within my limitations, my thoughts and my failures. Never diagnosed with bulimia, but self diagnosed with disordered eating patterns, I find myself going back to old habits, loving activity and wanting to be in shape, but failing day after day; being so uncomfortable in my own skin 5'4" and 149 pounds, I'm back to a weight that I'm both ashamed of and disgusted by. It may not seem overweight to some people, but I find myself so uncomfortable in the clothes that I wear, standing in front of the shower or even just taking a bath. Tonight I am committing to both writing and documenting as I am living in Dallas, TX, the summer, almost July. And I absolutely despise summers in Texas. Most of all I despise summer clothes. All I want to do is cover up all my wobbly bits for no one to see and let my Irish skin stay hidden to prevent those burns that seem to peel and leave me paler than the day before. About February of this year I started a "diet" called Detox 4 Women by Natalia Rose. With all of my past problems with food allergies, this was the best that I had felt when eating in a long time and somehow within a short amount of time I was back to old habits. My favorite snack is peanut butter and bananas with honey. I know, I know--not that atypical, but my problem is that I don't stop with one. I will literally eat 2 or 3 of this concoction and convince myself that it wasn't that big of a deal and I just carry on with the day and pretend like I am this healthy self-righteous eater. This is more of a commitment to myself than for anyone else to read, but if you happen upon this, I welcome your eyes for reading, your knowledge for soaking in and any words of encouragement. Each day I will have a confession corner in a way and will document what I've been eating that day. I'll post recipes (maybe, if I'm feeling ambitious or bored) and activity of the day. In Thomas Merton's The Seven Story Mountain I take this quote as the beginning of my journey... If you dare to penetrate your own silence and dare to advance without fear into the solitude of your own heart, and seek the sharing of that solitude with the lonely other who seeks God through you and with you, when you will truly receive the light and capacity to understand what is beyond words and beyond explanation because it is too close to be examined: it is the ultimate union, in the depths of your own heart, of God's spirit and your own secret inmost self, so that you and he are in truth one spirit.