Keeping New Hungers Satisfied

Writing. It's been my sacred joy. I sit and look at all my journals from middle school til now. The handwriting has changed, the subjects, the prayers, the petitions, the regrets, the doubts, and the victories, but through it all as I look back, I'm the most changed. Challenges that haunted me years ago are still struggles, but with a different face and those victories still bring a smile to my face. The verses and the quotes remind me of seasons of my life that I promise myself to not forget. What I realize most is that my greatest struggle is being comfortable in my skin when I'm with people and when I'm not. I struggle with food. It's my greatest enemy, my nourishment, my "have to," sometimes an enjoyment, other times an indulge leaving me with both feelings of guilt and more often physical problems. As I've looked back, had conversations with several friends, strangers, massage therapists, physicians and other nurses, I realize that this is a battle that many people struggle with, but I find myself being secretive with the struggle and not knowing how to work well within my limitations, my thoughts and my failures. Never diagnosed with bulimia, but self diagnosed with disordered eating patterns, I find myself going back to old habits, loving activity and wanting to be in shape, but failing day after day; being so uncomfortable in my own skin 5'4" and 149 pounds, I'm back to a weight that I'm both ashamed of and disgusted by. It may not seem overweight to some people, but I find myself so uncomfortable in the clothes that I wear, standing in front of the shower or even just taking a bath. Tonight I am committing to both writing and documenting as I am living in Dallas, TX, the summer, almost July. And I absolutely despise summers in Texas. Most of all I despise summer clothes. All I want to do is cover up all my wobbly bits for no one to see and let my Irish skin stay hidden to prevent those burns that seem to peel and leave me paler than the day before. About February of this year I started a "diet" called Detox 4 Women by Natalia Rose. With all of my past problems with food allergies, this was the best that I had felt when eating in a long time and somehow within a short amount of time I was back to old habits. My favorite snack is peanut butter and bananas with honey. I know, I know--not that atypical, but my problem is that I don't stop with one. I will literally eat 2 or 3 of this concoction and convince myself that it wasn't that big of a deal and I just carry on with the day and pretend like I am this healthy self-righteous eater. This is more of a commitment to myself than for anyone else to read, but if you happen upon this, I welcome your eyes for reading, your knowledge for soaking in and any words of encouragement. Each day I will have a confession corner in a way and will document what I've been eating that day. I'll post recipes (maybe, if I'm feeling ambitious or bored) and activity of the day. In Thomas Merton's The Seven Story Mountain I take this quote as the beginning of my journey... If you dare to penetrate your own silence and dare to advance without fear into the solitude of your own heart, and seek the sharing of that solitude with the lonely other who seeks God through you and with you, when you will truly receive the light and capacity to understand what is beyond words and beyond explanation because it is too close to be examined: it is the ultimate union, in the depths of your own heart, of God's spirit and your own secret inmost self, so that you and he are in truth one spirit.